Over the last two blog posts (linked below), I've unpacked my Tedx Talk journey with you in a longer series of articles, so thank you for hanging with me! I hope that you can translate my reflections into tools you can use in your daily leadership. Today, I unpack how I dealt with the nauseating nerves that found me as I approached the day of my talk. This was especially surprising to me. As a speaker, I always feel nerves when I talk but I hadn't been this overwhelmed by them in probably a decade! Most of this was self-imposed stress :)
To recap:
Part One: How do you find a single idea you are passionate about spreading?
Part Two: How to construct a short, compelling talk to change hearts and minds.
Part Three (Today): How to deal with the overwhelming nerves and anxiety of high-stakes presentations.
As I mentioned in my first blog, my Tedx Talk journey actually began in 2018 when I attended a live event to watch some speakers I knew. I had always been an avid online Ted Talk watcher, but I had never been to a live event. I'd heard stories about how intense the process was of writing and reworking a talk and then having to memorize the 10-14 minute product.
However, something shocked me at the live event. Because I had only seen the final edited version when it hits the Ted website or YouTube, I had NO IDEA how common it was for people to forget their lines, have to walk off stage or start over. All of this imperfection was edited out! Watching it live was an emotional experience - I felt the stress, nerves and overwhelm of the speakers who needed a little help remembering their lines in front of 400 people.
So naturally as the day approached, my nerves became more overwhelming. The morning of the event, they invite us to do a practice run on the actual stage. This venue is different than many I speak at because the speaker is actually at the bottom of the venue and the auditorium rises UP from the stage. So, it feels like the audience is sitting on top of you versus a traditional stage where a speaker looks across or down on the audience. Talk about intimidating!
As I did my run through, I tripped up on a few parts that didn't normally cause me issues! So naturally, this rattled me. I went back home and was a mess. I paced around my living room, nauseous and barely able to eat. I pressured myself to rehearse my talk again and again with zero mistakes. I'd never had that level of nausea and anxiousness before a talk before.
I reached out to a friend who was checking in on me and I told her how bad I was doing! She ask me, are you putting other Ted speakers on a pedestal, thinking that they know how to do this more perfectly than you?
I mean duh, of course I was committing the same sin (putting people on a pedestal) that my talk would be addressing in a few short hours. I was putting so much pressure on myself to nail my talk on my first try when SO MANY speakers have a slip up that is edited out. I was comparing myself to the final edited Tedx talk product, which isn't even reality.
So, I realized again that I was doing everything that I tell my clients NOT to do!
I was criticizing myself.
I was holding myself to unrealistic standards.
I was pacing around the room, mostly holding my breath, full of anxious energy.
I was pushing myself to rehearse, rehearse, rehearse to perfection.
It wasn't until laid down on my bed and treated myself to a facial mask where I finally felt better. Because I was forced to lay down for 15 minutes and just breathe, my heart rate and anxiousness finally eased up. It seems so counterintuitive, but it was resting, not pacing, that calmed my nerves, relieved my nausea and helped me feel more in control.
As it turns out, it's not pacing and stressing and pushing yourself to perfection that will help you present with more confidence, it's resting and trusting that the preparation you've done to this point will carry you though. And it did. I delivered my talk that evening mostly to standard - although I did forget a funny one-liner I worked so hard to fit in that talk! Dang it! However, the world will never know it's missing unless I tell you where I forgot it. I'll spill the beans on my missing one-line zinger when the talk releases in January(ish) of 2025.
🔥 As I was reminded in this process, compassion is an underrated skill when it comes to sustainable confidence. You cannot criticize yourself into more confidence - only compassion can do that. Keep reading to incorporate more compassionate techniques in the moments you need to calm your nerves and boost your confidence.
PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION
The next time you feel overwhelming nerves and doubt, try asking yourself these self-coaching questions and calming techniques to infuse more compassion and less criticism into your preparation.
Ask yourself:
Where am I being unnecessarily self-critical here?
How might I be holding myself to an unrealistic standard?
What about my body, are my actions anxiety-heightening or anxiety-lowering?
Is my level of preparation helping or hindering me at this point?
Next, it can be helpful to notice and name the emotions you are feeling. Use an emotions wheel to help with this.
1. Notice your emotions with compassion, not criticism. Take consistent four-count breaths. I find it helps to put my hand over my stomach or heart to calm me. Ask:
What emotions are present for me?
Where am I feeling them in my body (head, neck, shoulders, stomach, etc)?
2. Name them. Use the emotions wheel above.
Choose words that resonate with your inner experience
Look at many categories, sometimes “good" and “hard” emotions can co-exist
3. Normalize and reframe them. As psychologist Susan David says, “There are no 'good' or 'bad' emotions. They just are energy in motion."
Of course you feel these emotions because you are a normal, healthy human being
Of course you feel these emotions because you care deeply about your work, the person, the situation, etc
4. Act on them in alignment with your values. What is this emotion calling me to do next? Some examples below:
Sadness: What needs to be grieved or let go of? What support needs to be asked for?
Anger: What boundary was crossed? What conversation needs to be had?
Happiness: What needs to be celebrated?
Fear: What needs to be clarified or investigated? Where can I get curious? What do I know for sure in this moment?
TRY THIS NEXT: In your next anxiety-producing situation, slow down and breathe. Label your emotions, but remember that you are not your emotions. “Unhook” from them by repeating a few times, “I notice that I am feeling….” Naming your emotions doesn't give them power, it helps YOU reclaim your power by creating internal clarity.
It bears repeating, you cannot criticize yourself into more confidence.
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Kelli Thompson is a leadership & executive coach, award-winning speaker and author of Closing The Confidence Gap. She is on a mission to help women advance to the rooms where decisions are made. She offers executive coaching, leadership workshops and keynote speaking to lead with more clarity and confidence.
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