Early in my career as a leader, I knew in my head that I would have to learn to give critical feedback, but my heart just couldn't take it when the moments arose to deliver the news. For a short time, the avoidance of this essential management function worked okay for me. I could sweep hard feedback under the rug and feel some relief of not facing the hard emotions, in the short term there weren't visible consequences.
However, my lack of courage to give the essential feedback my employee needed to grow in the short term, caused more team-wide consequences over the long term. It created animosity in my team because the team member who needed the feedback continued to perform at a different standard the their teammates. My high performers weren't happy with me because I didn't address it. Our internal stakeholders, who were also my peers, started to come to me directly with their complaints about this employee.
Finally, I had to address the situation, which was now a bigger issue than if I would have addressed it in the beginning.
Avoiding difficult feedback eased my discomfort in the short term, but created more uncomfortable problems to remedy in the long term.
There are many reasons why we avoid giving difficult feedback, and they are well-intentioned. We don't want to hurt feelings, we want to avoid experiencing others' emotions like sadness and anger, we don't want others to be upset with us.
The act itself of giving constructive feedback isn't hard, it's the emotions that we want to avoid feeling and creating is the hard part.
And yet, nearly every leader I've talked to shares this sentiment: Some of the best feedback I've ever received was hard to hear. Also, it gave us tremendous respect for that leader.
🔥 As you advance from a high achiever to an influential leader, part of being this influential leader is your ability to grow and develop others by giving them the feedback they need to be successful while also feeling uncomfortable when doing so. Keep reading for a tool to help you do this! (Or enroll in my fall course!)
PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION
Like I mentioned above, the act itself of giving constructive feedback isn't hard, it's the emotions that we want to avoid feeling and creating is the hard part. I have yet to met a good leader who doesn't also feel uncomfortable while giving critical feedback.
Try this reframe in the moment as you are preparing to deliver constructive feedback: First, name the emotions you are feeling. Second, remember that feeling discomfort, worry and nerves doesn't mean you are doing it wrong, those normal, healthy human emotions likely mean you care about the person in front of you. It's normal for them to be present.
TRY THIS FRAMEWORK TO HELP YOU PREPARE AND DELIVER UNCOMFORTABLE FEEDBACK:
1: Get permission to address: With any feedback, asking permission to share opens up the person to hear what you have to say. This can sound like:
Do you have time to talk about how the project went?
Is now a good time for some project feedback?
PRO TIP: Ask the employee first, “How do you think that went? Anything you'd try differently next time?" If they open to the door to feedback first, they are more likely to take action on their own ideas.
2: Model Vulnerability: Normalize the emotions that may arise by sharing yours first.
I recognize this feedback may feel as challenging to hear as it is for me to deliver.
I admit that I feel nervous about sharing this with you...
3: State the behavior: Be specific and relevant about the behavior you observed or want to address. Broad umbrella topics are hard to change. For example, instead of saying “your communication skills” narrow it to “your tendency to interrupt people."
I observed when watching you lead the meeting that you interrupt people when they are talking.
I sensed in your client call that your tone seemed impatient and short, let's listen to the replay together and see what we notice.
4: Notice the good efforts: This is a great opportunity to acknowledge positive intentions and efforts in focusing on growth outcomes.
I see you trying to....
I noticed a strength you can build on is....
5: State the desired outcome: Influential leaders are clear on what success looks like so guessing games are removed.
This can sound like, “Next time I'd like to see you…”
...send the invite with an agenda
...pause and don't interrupt the client
...submit the report by 4pm on Friday
6: Growth Potential: Take time to remind them why this feedback matters! Tie it to their future goals and career aspirations.
This matters because you told me how important it is to grow your presentation skills....
If this is mastered, you will be able to take on the larger clients you want to manage....
TRY THIS NEXT: Give some development feedback this week to someone on your team or a colleague. Ask them first how they thought it went and what they might try differently next time
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