Gender norms hurt men, too (why this matters for women)

While I am a women's leadership and executive coach on a mission to help women advance to the rooms where decisions are made, in specific instances, I will take on a male client. (And prior to 2020, nearly half of my 1-1 coaching clients were men.) What many people don't consider is something I typically encounter in at least one of our coaching sessions and it's this:

Gender norms and expectations don't just hurt women, they also hold male leaders back from reaching their highest leadership potential.

In just two recent calls, I unpacked with two male leaders - one a Vice President and another a CEO, myths they held about their leadership approach. Here are just a few of them:

• There is no reason to feel my emotions

• Being sensitive is a personality flaw 

• Being cautious, shy and introverted is a leadership liability
  

Because of these beliefs, they were struggling to connect with their teams, hold necessary conversations and even speak up on leadership issues that were deeply important to them (but others may disagree with). 

Imagine the impacts to employee engagement, well-being and results if men didn't hold these beliefs. Imagine how empathy, collaboration and conflict would be different at work if male leaders were comfortable with their emotions and their “softer” side.

Now, if you are a male leader who authentically shows up conforming to “expected” male leadership norms (read: direct, assertive, powerful, extroverted, charismatic) you are likely feeling less stress to conform to an expected standard. 

But for men who naturally feel shy, sensitive, or introverted, they may feel the need (as expressed with my clients) to self-sensor - just like women do - to be “accepted” in the group. My male clients have also admitted they were not brought up in environments that were comfortable expressing and discussing emotions.

As women, why should we care? Because the more we can bust gendered leadership personality expectations for men and allow for a broader definition of how we define “leadership and executive presence” the more free we ALL become to show up and lead as our best selves at work. The more our “flaws” can truly be expressed as our best gifts. 

Why talk about supporting men and encouraging them to show up authentically when women clearly get the shorter end of this stick? Because the reality is, men still lead the majority of organizations. They primarily make up senior leadership teams. They represent a controlling interest in government. So, imagine would could be possible for women in leadership (okay, all employees) if men were also accepted for the qualities they bring that don't fit their expected gender norms? 

PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION

When I think back to the last time that we saw a large push for gender equality, it was during Ruth Bader Ginsburg's rise in legal leadership. She effectively made the world a more equal place, not necessarily by advocating for women, but by demonstrating how inequality actually hurts men, too. 

One of my favorite reads in the last two years was, My Own Words, by Ruth Bader Ginsburg, et al. Here are three lessons we can learn from Ruth about leading change in terms of gender equity that will inspire more people to join us. 

1. Work with the willing. Like Ruth did, and in any change effort, work with people who are already on your side. Too many people waste time trying to convince people to change their minds. Start with those whose minds are already changed. She encouraged them to actively advocate and lead their male peers to come along, too.

2. Demonstrate how inequality hurts men, too. Ruth was brilliant at demonstrating that policies and norms that “don't seem like a big deal” that are rooted in historical culture can actually impede the other gender as ideals change. For example, she successfully struck down gender discrimination when she argued for a man who needed to receive disability benefits to care for his mother. Because back then, only women were seen as caretakers. 

3. In organizations: This can look like allowing men the same family and leave benefits as women and encouraging them to work family friendly hours. 

4. Focus on the facts and data. In organizations, best practices to bring awareness to change include comparing regrettable turnover, promotion rates, salary data and professional development investments by gender. 

TRY THIS NEXT: Are their men in your organization that are strong advocates or allies for gender equity in both policies and behavior norms? How can you encourage them to bring their peers along?